A Psychotherapist in Therapy— Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, Lori Gottlieb

Rhea Khandelwal, a 2023 summer intern at the writes about the book "Maybe you should talk to Someone".

At the start of the book, we meet Lori at the top of her game. She has landed on her calling as a therapist after many years of switching through multiple careers. She's got an awesome support system with great friends, a son she adores, and a boyfriend she's head over heels for. Just when it seemed like she had her life exactly where she wanted it to be, her boyfriend calls off their wedding and all those emotions she thought were in check start going haywire. And just like that, Lori has what therapists call the “presenting problem”— the issue that brings you to therapy, but is just the tip of an iceberg of many more deep seated issues.

Over the course of the book, Lori introduces us to five people: John, who’s trying his best to hide the fact that he’s grieving the loss of his child, and goes around calling everyone an idiot to mask his feelings. Charlotte and Rita, both of whom are struggling to make relationship choices. Julie is diagnosed with cancer but does not want the diagnosis to stop her from living a full life. Finally, my personal favorite, Wendell, Lori’s therapist who reveals her vulnerabilities just like she does her with her clients.

Lori takes readers through the process of dissecting the thoughts and feelings she wasn’t even entirely aware of herself, and the more she learns about herself, the more she sees herself reflecting back though her clients’ experiences. Here are five learnings I took from Lori Gottlieb’s Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.

On needing therapy

When it comes to people’s perceptions of therapy, I have often classified everyone around me into a simple binary. On one side there’s people like me, who believe that almost everyone can benefit from it irrespective of whether or not they have a pressing concern. On the other side are people who are aghast at the thought of seeing someone professionally.

By landing in between this binary, Lori unintentionally reconciles the two sides. She was herself initially resistant to see a therapist after her breakup, spending so much energy convincing herself that she needs to roll up her sleeves and just “get over it”. It was interesting to see how, despite being a therapist, Lori implied that someone can be too “together” to benefit from getting help. When she does concede and go to Wendell, Lori is still convinced that she was there for a short while and solely to move on from her relationship. Following her journey of reaching the realization that the therapy process has so much more to offer than a quick fix is a lesson for the readers in itself. By acknowledging that she wasn't as okay as she had believed, she exposed her vulnerabilities, offering us the chance to witness her journey towards growth and positive change.

On "idiot compassion" v. "wise compassion"

Many people come to therapy assuming their therapist will always agree with them, saying things like, "You're absolutely right. He's terrible. You dodged a bullet." This kind of validation is similar to what friends often provide, but it may not be truly beneficial.

In the book, Lori discusses the contrast between two types of compassion: "idiot compassion" and "wise compassion." "Idiot compassion" involves trying to make someone feel better by avoiding telling them a harsh truth. On the other hand, "wise compassion" involves being compassionate while also bravely reflecting their reality, delivering essential truths that they need to hear.

On the rhythm of therapy sessions

Often during therapy sessions, the most intense topics arise somewhere in the middle or towards the end. After addressing these issues, therapists allow time to ensure clients don't carry all the emotional weight with them as they step out. Lori refers to this as the ‘rhythm’ of therapy sessions.

In explaining this, Lori clears a common misconception that clients usually have: “When therapists look at the clock, it always has to mean they are bored”. She shares that she’s very aware of the time during her session, not because she wants it to end, but to ensure that she’s not leaving her clients to process the newly uncovered feelings all on their own.

On worrying if your therapist likes you

I think all clients come to a point where they wonder if they are liked by their therapists. Lori unpacks this idea of likability in great depth, particularly in how it relates to herself as a client and a human being in the world. She writes how we all worry about revealing ourselves because we feel that if we show people who we truly are, we won’t be loved. By telling us that even she’s asked her therapist, sheepishly, if he likes her, she acknowledges that we still all want to be liked just the same.

When people come to therapy, they tell therapists many things that they won't tell the people whom they want to be loved by in the outside world. However, what they discover in the process is that the truth of who they are is what draws people to them. Lori goes on to talk about how likability matters much less in therapy than we think: “In therapy we aim for self-compassion (Am I human?) versus a judgment (Am I good or bad?)”

On human connection

The core of this novel undeniably resides in its conversations. Most scenes take place in Lori’s therapy room, establishing a consistent pattern: open and honest conversations. The intimate connection between client and therapist established through the shared experiences of suffering and pain forms the essence of the book. Through conversations and insights that take place in the context of therapy, Lori helps us reach what she believes is life’s most crucial element: human connection.

This memoir is a reminder to honor and grow your relationships with the people you care about, and not shy away from reaching out for connection and support. There is nothing more human than our desire to connect, and what better way there is to feel human than, maybe, by talking to someone.

Deconstructing the process of psychotherapy is not an easy task. But Lori Gottlieb tells her stories with honesty, compassion and wit, and without shying away from discussing her quirks and mistakes. By disclosing her own vulnerabilities, she assures readers just how human it is to want validation, feel connected, and find meaning in life.